Saturday, 30 June 2007

The journey begins

Actually, the journey started two weeks ago on a very bad note. Being told I am HIV+ wasn't a good start for me, and I don't think it would be a good one for anyone. So many things ran through my mind: My son - how am I going to tell him that mommy is sick and could die any time... poor boy doesn't even know what being sick is, let alone death! My friends - where do I even start? To them, I am this perfect girl, I am the happy-go-lucky one in the group (yeah, right!). My family - dear mama, will she break down? Will it hit her worse than it did me? Papa, will he ever talk to me agian? Will I still be his sweet girl? My big brother, will he want me to ever hold his daughter again, hug her, kiss her? Will he ever want to be identified with me? My young sister, will I still be her role model? Have I let her down? Will she ever take any sort of advice from me again? The community, have I just turned myself into an outcast overnight? Will I be the talk of the village, estates, streets? The world, what does it hold for me?
No, I haven't told anyone about my status. In the two weeks that I have known, I have tried to gather the courage and put the words together but nothin has come of it, I have also tried to commit suicide, but only went as far as buying a rope then realised that I am too much a coward for that, and that I had to, at least, make some arrangements for my boy. I tried to walk the streets with my head high, but everyone who looked at me with a smile appeared to be mocking me, adn I always turned back to my house and cried my eyes dry. Well, today I am out. I am on my way to seek advice and counselling from the experts, the experts who, without shame or remorse, walked in and told me that they had found out why I had the miscarriage. They had no shame, so why should I?
I have decided to rebuild my life, to start over. I need to gather all my remaining strength to see myself through this. I know it will not be easy, and I still have to come to terms with my new life and situation before I even let anyone else through.
So, today, the journey begins. Do not pity me, do not cry for me, please don't point at me... just walk with me.

1 comment:

Jamie said...

Please don`t ever hurt yourself.
I`m Kenn`s cousin.
That`s where I first heard of your blog.
I left a comment earlier.
You can email me anytime you like if you need someone to talk to.
Just don`t hurt yourself because of this.Not everyone judges.
I don`t feel that you are any less of a person because you have this disease or any other disease.