Office matters.

It's tea break at work, and instead of going for a cup of tea, I've decided to come to an internet cafe for a quick update. My medical file was sent to the senior boss (thank goodness not HR) as required. I had totally forgotten that the organisation has a right to my medical profile, and since it was a company doctor I saw during and after my miscarriage, he was obligated to send the information to the office... attention management. What happened to privacy?
Anywho...
The boss asked that I see him this morning - that was the first call I received the second I sat at my desk. It was like his secretary could see me through infra-red? lights (what do you call vision through walls?) and was waiting for me to sit my bum then whooosh! Rrring! Rrring!
"Morning dear. The boss wants to see you now."
"What about? Do you know?"
"Not a clue. Didn't tell me anything else but to ask you to come and see him."
"Alright. I'm on my way up."
Walked into his office and he had a warm smile... what a smile to start my day... hope it's an early bonus... good old boss, eh?
"Goodmorning Miss. How are we today?"
"Morning Sir. I am fine, thanks." Keep it short... always the advice when speaking to the boss on something you don't yet know (even what you know, just keep it short)
"I will cut to the chase. I received your medical file from the doctor..."
Darkness. My head is spinning. I lean onto the chair and sit. I can;t hear what he is saying. I struggle to stay upright and slowly regain the little lost conciousness.
"...if there is anything the company can do... any way that we could make life easier for you..." he is saying.
I am fully alert now, and hiding a smile. I am thinking... a good increment never hurt.
"Who else knows," I ask him.
"Such information comes straight to me, and I am the only one privy to the file. Not even personnel has access, unless there is a real need or an emergency. How are you handling it?"
"Not very well at first, but I am getting round to it... slowly. Some days I am fine, trying to have my old normal days, others I am just done in."
"You are aware that the company insurance does not cover for HIV/AIDS related illnesses and treatment due to the high costs?"
"Yes, I know. My only request right now is that this information doesn't go beyond your office. I would rather handle my situation my way."
"Ofcourse. Wish you well."
"Thank-you. Have a good day, Sir."
I went back to my desk and spend a minute going through what I had just been discussing with my boss. I didn't think it was right for information as private as my medical situation being sent around to the office in manila envelopes, and I din't think it was the company's business to know anything that it doesn't intend to take care of, but then I felt lucky that the discussion I had just had was all there is to it. I have read about employees being given the sack after being diagnosed as HIV+ and/or AIDS and, anyway, I had agreed to the company terms when I took up my job. Thinking about my son and my own medication, I cannot start to think of taking up legal issues or quitting... we both need every penny and that's just how it is.

Some contact, finally?

I did manage to contact a lady who has been on the journey for 12 years... couldn't believe this. I followed a contact link in the daily papers here whose one of the columnist is an HIV mother to a teenge boy. It wasn't easy... well, not at first.
I had a feeling her secretary must have known why I was there, hence the constant wide smile. Not many people smile that much here... the hot equitorial climate has given most of us a constant frown.
I started off by fidgeting around on the seat, then telling her about 'this friend of mine' who is sick with 'the virus' and I would like to know how to approach and advice her as concerning life, medication, natural well-being.... I went on and on. I don't think she was listening, but she was smiling all through. (What is it with people in this office always smiling?).
When I was finished, she looked at me for a while then said, "Now, forget about your friend for a minute and tell me about you. What has been your biggest fear with AIDS?"
That's when I let it all out. I burst out crying, told her how much I fear for my boy... told her how much I fear telling my family and friends, told her how much I fear being alive coz I don't know how much being sick will make me suffer, then told her how much I fear death right now, for I have never been this close to it (or so I think)... I told her. I went on and on. I let it all out. I had no idea how good it was going to make me feel. Writing on this blog for the few days has made my head feel a little lighter, now even my heart felt much lighter. I finished talking then looked at her and said, "I am sorry." She smiled even wider, came around her desk and gave me one tight hug.
We discussed a number of issues, she referred me to a certain doctor, and she assured me that I could visit him in confidence, she gave me some notes to go through and even invited me to their next AA (AIDS Anonymous) meeting, which is in about an hour from now.
If there is anything about AIDS I have looked forward to in my short journey, it is this. I can't wait to meet the people in this group. I don't think I will be able to share much... even though that might be expected of me, but I do hope to listen and learn from the others. I want to see if they look normal, if they are normal... if they are like me. (I must say that, for a while I have felt alone. I have felt like an alien, like I don't belong in this world, like no one will want to be associated with me anymore. I have felt like dying. I felt like hiding, and I did hide for a while. But now, I think there might be so many things I want to see, and hear, and learn. Because I want to. And because I have the chance. Yeah, I feel encouraged... don't know how long this feeling is going to last, but I might just as well make use of it now.