A journey of many turns

It's been a rollercoaster of feelings, thoughts and activities through the night... but that's no surprise. First, a series of earth tremors have been felt in Nairobi since Saturday, leading to a major panic last night with rumours that a major earthquake was imminent. Most residents spent half the night outside their homes (I wonder how life-saving this is). Do understand, we have been blessed enough never to have experienced real earthquakes, just slight tremors so when such news do the rounds, some of us pack up and head to the gates, open fields and some to our folks. Well, that passed and reassurance came through the airwaves this morning.
I did manage to drag my sister to yesterdays AA meeting where she sat through listening to our little chit-chats, saying nothing all the while. I was trying hard to read her mind, without necessarily looking at her. I don't want to fill her with any guilt, and I don't want any mercies, wont want to torment her soul... just want her to understand that we are fine... and we all have each other when here. But, what I expect of her is not what I feel. I feel guilty, and I am on and off in self-pity mode - I can't help it, I just find myself there. My soul is tormented with issues, several issues:
During the meeting yesterday, I met a widow who has been doing a small business to support herself and her three children, she comes for the meeting not for financial support but for moral support. But she woke up to a razed down business... their go-downs had caught fire in the night and everything was gone. She spent the whole day sitting in the yard, contemplating her next step, and soon it was time for the meeting and there she was. Yet, we didn't learn about this by her own contribution, someone in the meeting had learnt of the fire and knew that one of us worked in or around the area... that's how we got to know. There is the grandma with several grandchildren under her care. Yes, she is strong enough to work, but if young, strong graduates have problems getting jobs, where would she head to. Her presence in the room has come to mean one thing to me... food for the kids. Pity it has to come to this. This lady did her job with her kids, brought them up and was done with it. But AIDS has taken her back to the drawing boards, this time it's her grandchilren she has to toil for, only a little late in her life.
As we wound up the meeting, I looked at the mother of three and saw this blank stare on her face. I walked up to her and held her hand, with a very beautiful forced smile decorating my face. I was not in the mood for smiles, to tell the truth, but I was ready to force one if it was going to make a difference. I told her not to worry, that things were going to be alright.
"Will they?" she asked, as if talking to herself.
"Yes, they will. Just hold on to your inner strength." I was glad I was able to spare an equivalent of US$3.00 Believe it or not, this is food for her and the kids for almost a week. She was so grateful and hugged me tight, but I couldn't wait for her to let go and move on, so I could release the burning tears. I eventually left with my sister by my side, parting ways outside. I did what I could. For her. Yesterday. But what happens next week? What happens to the others?
At least I have come to realise one thing, that this is not just a journey, it's not just my journey... it's one heck of a journey with lots of people and issues on the road with me. One minute I have the drive and energy to hit that hill, and I do it with zest to the top, then the next minute I am drawn of all energy and willpower to even take one extra step... that's what it felt like this morning.

Some contact, finally?

I did manage to contact a lady who has been on the journey for 12 years... couldn't believe this. I followed a contact link in the daily papers here whose one of the columnist is an HIV mother to a teenge boy. It wasn't easy... well, not at first.
I had a feeling her secretary must have known why I was there, hence the constant wide smile. Not many people smile that much here... the hot equitorial climate has given most of us a constant frown.
I started off by fidgeting around on the seat, then telling her about 'this friend of mine' who is sick with 'the virus' and I would like to know how to approach and advice her as concerning life, medication, natural well-being.... I went on and on. I don't think she was listening, but she was smiling all through. (What is it with people in this office always smiling?).
When I was finished, she looked at me for a while then said, "Now, forget about your friend for a minute and tell me about you. What has been your biggest fear with AIDS?"
That's when I let it all out. I burst out crying, told her how much I fear for my boy... told her how much I fear telling my family and friends, told her how much I fear being alive coz I don't know how much being sick will make me suffer, then told her how much I fear death right now, for I have never been this close to it (or so I think)... I told her. I went on and on. I let it all out. I had no idea how good it was going to make me feel. Writing on this blog for the few days has made my head feel a little lighter, now even my heart felt much lighter. I finished talking then looked at her and said, "I am sorry." She smiled even wider, came around her desk and gave me one tight hug.
We discussed a number of issues, she referred me to a certain doctor, and she assured me that I could visit him in confidence, she gave me some notes to go through and even invited me to their next AA (AIDS Anonymous) meeting, which is in about an hour from now.
If there is anything about AIDS I have looked forward to in my short journey, it is this. I can't wait to meet the people in this group. I don't think I will be able to share much... even though that might be expected of me, but I do hope to listen and learn from the others. I want to see if they look normal, if they are normal... if they are like me. (I must say that, for a while I have felt alone. I have felt like an alien, like I don't belong in this world, like no one will want to be associated with me anymore. I have felt like dying. I felt like hiding, and I did hide for a while. But now, I think there might be so many things I want to see, and hear, and learn. Because I want to. And because I have the chance. Yeah, I feel encouraged... don't know how long this feeling is going to last, but I might just as well make use of it now.