I am only human

After posting the piece below just this morning, I received information about the death of my friends dad. Tragic road accident. We have been very close families, and I referred to him as daddy when addressing him. Doesn't make my day any better. Well, I wasn't feeling that great to begin with, but now there is a real reason. I have also realised that there are times I will feel great, and there are times I will feel really bad... and it's all part of life. Even really healthy people have their 'bad days', so what makes me think I am any special. I am only human.

A journey of many turns

It's been a rollercoaster of feelings, thoughts and activities through the night... but that's no surprise. First, a series of earth tremors have been felt in Nairobi since Saturday, leading to a major panic last night with rumours that a major earthquake was imminent. Most residents spent half the night outside their homes (I wonder how life-saving this is). Do understand, we have been blessed enough never to have experienced real earthquakes, just slight tremors so when such news do the rounds, some of us pack up and head to the gates, open fields and some to our folks. Well, that passed and reassurance came through the airwaves this morning.
I did manage to drag my sister to yesterdays AA meeting where she sat through listening to our little chit-chats, saying nothing all the while. I was trying hard to read her mind, without necessarily looking at her. I don't want to fill her with any guilt, and I don't want any mercies, wont want to torment her soul... just want her to understand that we are fine... and we all have each other when here. But, what I expect of her is not what I feel. I feel guilty, and I am on and off in self-pity mode - I can't help it, I just find myself there. My soul is tormented with issues, several issues:
During the meeting yesterday, I met a widow who has been doing a small business to support herself and her three children, she comes for the meeting not for financial support but for moral support. But she woke up to a razed down business... their go-downs had caught fire in the night and everything was gone. She spent the whole day sitting in the yard, contemplating her next step, and soon it was time for the meeting and there she was. Yet, we didn't learn about this by her own contribution, someone in the meeting had learnt of the fire and knew that one of us worked in or around the area... that's how we got to know. There is the grandma with several grandchildren under her care. Yes, she is strong enough to work, but if young, strong graduates have problems getting jobs, where would she head to. Her presence in the room has come to mean one thing to me... food for the kids. Pity it has to come to this. This lady did her job with her kids, brought them up and was done with it. But AIDS has taken her back to the drawing boards, this time it's her grandchilren she has to toil for, only a little late in her life.
As we wound up the meeting, I looked at the mother of three and saw this blank stare on her face. I walked up to her and held her hand, with a very beautiful forced smile decorating my face. I was not in the mood for smiles, to tell the truth, but I was ready to force one if it was going to make a difference. I told her not to worry, that things were going to be alright.
"Will they?" she asked, as if talking to herself.
"Yes, they will. Just hold on to your inner strength." I was glad I was able to spare an equivalent of US$3.00 Believe it or not, this is food for her and the kids for almost a week. She was so grateful and hugged me tight, but I couldn't wait for her to let go and move on, so I could release the burning tears. I eventually left with my sister by my side, parting ways outside. I did what I could. For her. Yesterday. But what happens next week? What happens to the others?
At least I have come to realise one thing, that this is not just a journey, it's not just my journey... it's one heck of a journey with lots of people and issues on the road with me. One minute I have the drive and energy to hit that hill, and I do it with zest to the top, then the next minute I am drawn of all energy and willpower to even take one extra step... that's what it felt like this morning.

Live or die... is it about where you live? No!

I was blog-surfing over lunch and came across various interesting blogs... most full of encouraging messages and it touched me to see people reaching out across the oceans. Then a saying on this blog, texasinafrica.blogspot, caught my eye and won't leave my mind. The quote is by Bono, and goes... "where you live should not determine whether you live or die..."
My mind is now on marathon and I am developing an idea that I hope to share with you in due time. In the meantime, I have just called my sister and asked her to free her evening... I want her to join me in the AA meeting today, just to let her meet my new 'family'. I still feel so elated that I opened out to her and she is by me... I cannot begin to tell the kind of reactions I was expecting. Well, none of the bad stuff. All good right now.
Forgot to mention that I have started on one medication whose name is either too long or technical for me to remember... I am so not used to it that I even forgot it in the house this morning so will have to catch up on the dose in the evening.

Sister Love

I am in a state of mixed feelings right now, trying to seive and rid of the bad feelings of self pity, anxiety and depression and keep the good few. But I am alright... I know I will be.
I decided to start breaking my news to my family, one at a time, and being closest to my sister, she was the easiest target to start with. So I called her up and asked that we meet. I was torn between meeting in a private place, so I could cry my heart out if I needed to, and meeting in a public place, so she couldn't cry her heart out if she needed to. Eventually, we met up at a private place. I didn't beat around the bush... went straight to the point.
"I am sick," I told her, and went into detail of what, when, where...
To say she was in shock would be a principal understatement, explaining her denial would sound funny, but telling of her understanding is what warms my heart. She first thought I was kidding, and started to giggle, then told me to stop making fun of such a serious issue. Then she realised I was neither laughing nor smiling... she asked that I go for several other tests at monthly or bi-monthly intervals just to be sure. I told her I was sure of what I was saying and further tests won't prove otherwise.
"But you can't be... it can't be" she said, fighting back tears.
"I am."
"Why you? You are good. You are my sister."
"Who would you rather it be?" I asked her. "And why not me?"
Even I didn't believe I was saying this, but it gave me a chance to be brave and so I explained to her that being in this situation does not and will not making me any worse a sister. That I hope it will only help in making me stronger for her and many other people. I also explained that wishing it was someone else was mean (thought that's what I have been wishing for the last number of weeks, I must confess), and that the someone else has family just like me. Actually, talking to my sister made me see things from a different platform. It was no longer all about me, me and some more me.
"Have you told the others?" she asked, the 'others' being the rest of the family.
"No, I havent."
"Will you?"
"Yes, eventually."
"Do you want me to tell them? When you are ready?"
"Yeah. Just let me know before you do and leave the boy out for the moment." 'The boy' being my son. I needed him counselled and totally prepared. I wanted to be sure that he could live with it and still love himself, and me.
We parted ways after some long hours, not saying much in the final few minutes. Then, last night she called and asked that we have an early breakfast together before going to work. I agreed.
"I realised I didn't say things that I should have said to you the other day," she said to me this morning. "I still love you and will be here for you. Just let me know any time you need me for anything. And never leave me out of anything in your life. We will go through this together."
"Thanks," I said, finally letting go of the tears. I knew she had been thinking about me since we met, and that had given her a chance to go through all I had told her.
I told her about this blog and she said she would go through it.
I have never seen my sister cry so much before, and I felt good about it!