A journey of many turns

It's been a rollercoaster of feelings, thoughts and activities through the night... but that's no surprise. First, a series of earth tremors have been felt in Nairobi since Saturday, leading to a major panic last night with rumours that a major earthquake was imminent. Most residents spent half the night outside their homes (I wonder how life-saving this is). Do understand, we have been blessed enough never to have experienced real earthquakes, just slight tremors so when such news do the rounds, some of us pack up and head to the gates, open fields and some to our folks. Well, that passed and reassurance came through the airwaves this morning.
I did manage to drag my sister to yesterdays AA meeting where she sat through listening to our little chit-chats, saying nothing all the while. I was trying hard to read her mind, without necessarily looking at her. I don't want to fill her with any guilt, and I don't want any mercies, wont want to torment her soul... just want her to understand that we are fine... and we all have each other when here. But, what I expect of her is not what I feel. I feel guilty, and I am on and off in self-pity mode - I can't help it, I just find myself there. My soul is tormented with issues, several issues:
During the meeting yesterday, I met a widow who has been doing a small business to support herself and her three children, she comes for the meeting not for financial support but for moral support. But she woke up to a razed down business... their go-downs had caught fire in the night and everything was gone. She spent the whole day sitting in the yard, contemplating her next step, and soon it was time for the meeting and there she was. Yet, we didn't learn about this by her own contribution, someone in the meeting had learnt of the fire and knew that one of us worked in or around the area... that's how we got to know. There is the grandma with several grandchildren under her care. Yes, she is strong enough to work, but if young, strong graduates have problems getting jobs, where would she head to. Her presence in the room has come to mean one thing to me... food for the kids. Pity it has to come to this. This lady did her job with her kids, brought them up and was done with it. But AIDS has taken her back to the drawing boards, this time it's her grandchilren she has to toil for, only a little late in her life.
As we wound up the meeting, I looked at the mother of three and saw this blank stare on her face. I walked up to her and held her hand, with a very beautiful forced smile decorating my face. I was not in the mood for smiles, to tell the truth, but I was ready to force one if it was going to make a difference. I told her not to worry, that things were going to be alright.
"Will they?" she asked, as if talking to herself.
"Yes, they will. Just hold on to your inner strength." I was glad I was able to spare an equivalent of US$3.00 Believe it or not, this is food for her and the kids for almost a week. She was so grateful and hugged me tight, but I couldn't wait for her to let go and move on, so I could release the burning tears. I eventually left with my sister by my side, parting ways outside. I did what I could. For her. Yesterday. But what happens next week? What happens to the others?
At least I have come to realise one thing, that this is not just a journey, it's not just my journey... it's one heck of a journey with lots of people and issues on the road with me. One minute I have the drive and energy to hit that hill, and I do it with zest to the top, then the next minute I am drawn of all energy and willpower to even take one extra step... that's what it felt like this morning.

When the world comes around

This morning, I noticed a spot on my face, on the corner of my mouth, and I thought that the tell-tale signs are here. Now I know that everyone who sees me will start pointing with, "you see, there is another sign of someone with AIDS. Thin and infectious spots on the face."
At the moment, I don't think I will really care if I hear that behind my back, or infront of me at the bus line. Maybe I will care when I hear it, or much after, like when I am asleep in bed. I have become very good at smiling alot in the day and crying alot when alone at night. It's not like I do not have people around me (Thanks Jamie for your encouraging comment and opening your arms to me), I have an extended family, friends, colleagues... lots of people. It's just that they are the very same people I don't want to see at the moment. I don't want to say I am fine and well when asked how I am, for it will be one big lie. Yet, I am still not ready to reveal my current condition. I don't want to be felt sorry for. I don't want anyone crying for me (I am doing enough of that for the world as it is). So, you see, I do have people around me, just not the people I would like to sit and share this with. I need to find my own group, people going through what I am going through, people who have been here before, in the first steps of the journey and been lost like I am. I want to talk to somebody who will not look at me funnily or move his/her seat abit further from me. I want to talk to somebody who will tell me about the drugs that will keep my count healthy... someone in the know. I need to listen to someone who once thought that suicide was the best medicine invented for the HIV/AIDS virus but decided not to be a test guinea-pig... for that's where I was a while ago.
That is why I went into a VCT (Voluntary Counselling and Testing centre) today. I found this nice lady at the reception desk who asked how she could help me. There were a number of people at the reception, so I tried to keep my voice low. I told her that I was there to seek advice on issues touching on AIDS.
"Do you seek this advice on your behalf?" She asked me, as loud as she could be.
"Yes, it is for me." I replied, in a still small voice.
"Have you had a test done on you yet?" This woman must be on something, she doesn't notice I am trying to keep this conversation between us.
"Yes, I have had a test."
"What were the results?" she asked.
"What do you think? I am back seeking advice, so what could the results be? Could you try and keep it low, please?" I asked politely.
"Oh don't worry," she tried to assure me, "all these people are here for more or less the same reason as you, so don't feel shy."
"Well, I don't care if they are here to pick their lunch or bury their mothers. I just don't want to share my business around." I was now speaking between clenched teeth.
"I am sorry but this is a public office and..."
I didn't hear the rest, I was already walking out. I felt so mad. Why couldn't she understand? I don't know if I over reacted, but I now find it funny as I narrate the conversation. It definitely wasn't funny then, it was more frustrating than funny. But now I smile as I write this. And I have a funny feeling that there is a whole world out there, waiting to come around if only I will let it. I am getting there. Not today, and I do not promise about tomorrow... but with every day, and with every step I take, I will keep trying to find my place in this new world. For now, the journey continues.

The journey begins

Actually, the journey started two weeks ago on a very bad note. Being told I am HIV+ wasn't a good start for me, and I don't think it would be a good one for anyone. So many things ran through my mind: My son - how am I going to tell him that mommy is sick and could die any time... poor boy doesn't even know what being sick is, let alone death! My friends - where do I even start? To them, I am this perfect girl, I am the happy-go-lucky one in the group (yeah, right!). My family - dear mama, will she break down? Will it hit her worse than it did me? Papa, will he ever talk to me agian? Will I still be his sweet girl? My big brother, will he want me to ever hold his daughter again, hug her, kiss her? Will he ever want to be identified with me? My young sister, will I still be her role model? Have I let her down? Will she ever take any sort of advice from me again? The community, have I just turned myself into an outcast overnight? Will I be the talk of the village, estates, streets? The world, what does it hold for me?
No, I haven't told anyone about my status. In the two weeks that I have known, I have tried to gather the courage and put the words together but nothin has come of it, I have also tried to commit suicide, but only went as far as buying a rope then realised that I am too much a coward for that, and that I had to, at least, make some arrangements for my boy. I tried to walk the streets with my head high, but everyone who looked at me with a smile appeared to be mocking me, adn I always turned back to my house and cried my eyes dry. Well, today I am out. I am on my way to seek advice and counselling from the experts, the experts who, without shame or remorse, walked in and told me that they had found out why I had the miscarriage. They had no shame, so why should I?
I have decided to rebuild my life, to start over. I need to gather all my remaining strength to see myself through this. I know it will not be easy, and I still have to come to terms with my new life and situation before I even let anyone else through.
So, today, the journey begins. Do not pity me, do not cry for me, please don't point at me... just walk with me.