I am in a state of mixed feelings right now, trying to seive and rid of the bad feelings of self pity, anxiety and depression and keep the good few. But I am alright... I know I will be.
I decided to start breaking my news to my family, one at a time, and being closest to my sister, she was the easiest target to start with. So I called her up and asked that we meet. I was torn between meeting in a private place, so I could cry my heart out if I needed to, and meeting in a public place, so she couldn't cry her heart out if she needed to. Eventually, we met up at a private place. I didn't beat around the bush... went straight to the point.
"I am sick," I told her, and went into detail of what, when, where...
To say she was in shock would be a principal understatement, explaining her denial would sound funny, but telling of her understanding is what warms my heart. She first thought I was kidding, and started to giggle, then told me to stop making fun of such a serious issue. Then she realised I was neither laughing nor smiling... she asked that I go for several other tests at monthly or bi-monthly intervals just to be sure. I told her I was sure of what I was saying and further tests won't prove otherwise.
"But you can't be... it can't be" she said, fighting back tears.
"Why you? You are good. You are my sister."
"Who would you rather it be?" I asked her. "And why not me?"
Even I didn't believe I was saying this, but it gave me a chance to be brave and so I explained to her that being in this situation does not and will not making me any worse a sister. That I hope it will only help in making me stronger for her and many other people. I also explained that wishing it was someone else was mean (thought that's what I have been wishing for the last number of weeks, I must confess), and that the someone else has family just like me. Actually, talking to my sister made me see things from a different platform. It was no longer all about me, me and some more me.
"Have you told the others?" she asked, the 'others' being the rest of the family.
"No, I havent."
"Do you want me to tell them? When you are ready?"
"Yeah. Just let me know before you do and leave the boy out for the moment." 'The boy' being my son. I needed him counselled and totally prepared. I wanted to be sure that he could live with it and still love himself, and me.
We parted ways after some long hours, not saying much in the final few minutes. Then, last night she called and asked that we have an early breakfast together before going to work. I agreed.
"I realised I didn't say things that I should have said to you the other day," she said to me this morning. "I still love you and will be here for you. Just let me know any time you need me for anything. And never leave me out of anything in your life. We will go through this together."
"Thanks," I said, finally letting go of the tears. I knew she had been thinking about me since we met, and that had given her a chance to go through all I had told her.
I told her about this blog and she said she would go through it.
I have never seen my sister cry so much before, and I felt good about it!